Dear Blossom

So. What do you think? To plan or not to plan?

What’s the point planning if life would only get in the way and toss your well laid plans in disarray?

Ok, let me back up a moment here: I had plans for this summer. Well-thought-out plans…not a hundred per cent in ink, mind you, some were still very much in pencil. But, I had plans: these included my mum visiting the UK to spend some good quality time with me and my kids over here. I had dreams also, of things we could do, places we could go, even skills we could share – (well, more of me having another go at learning to knit which I couldn’t quite manage as a child. I thought that as I was now older, wiser and more patient I could better manage my frustrations when I dropped the stitches!).

Dear Blossom

Writing to Blossom

What transpired instead? She took ill on a Friday, died on the following Wednesday before I could get there on the Thursday. Sometimes it still feels like a very long and convoluted dream, one from which I would eventually awaken. Anyway, that’s a different matter for another day.

For now, back to well laid plans: I hadn’t planned a trip to Nigeria this summer. Yet, I spent 5 weeks there. I’d planned to host my mum this year. Instead, I’ve buried her. Sudden changes, without warning I find very hard… Even ones that don’t have to do with life and death…

So, what is it that I love so much about planning? And why do I get so riled when my plans are derailed, especially without notice, without giving me time to adjust and work out a plan B? I think it’s because I feel secure when I have a plan, even if I don’t follow it fully, as long as I’m the one making the changes!

And of course I feel lost and insecure when my plans are intercepted, and that really gets me mad! (So if you want to offer me any condolences, please do not tell me that ‘it is well’ or that ‘she’s gone to a better place’. I’m liable to biting off your head, even if I say nothing!)

I am learning though that as I am growing in flexibility, I can find my feet again after a major upheaval. I am aware that it is a process and it will take as long as it takes, with several twists and turns along the way. But I know that I will find my feet again… One day. It helps that I have had so much generosity and support from family and friends. And although no one and nothing can fill the void left by my mum’s sudden death, I can see that I am loved and cared for by many, each in their own uniquely loving ways. For this, I’m grateful.

So, I choose today to take comfort in this as I return to the drawing board to craft, at least, a little plan…